Tom and Jerry - Why are we still doing this crap?

 

DON'T stream it on HBO Max 

    I have commented many times before on this blog that the perception of animation here in the west, and by extension Hollywood, is that it is a medium intended strictly for children, or at least Hollywood executives "idea" of children. As such, most animated entertainment (save for PIXAR and Laika) seems only permitted for production if it has recognizable intellectual property, will be super bright and colorful, have wacky slapstick, lazy writing, non-existent direction, and constantly undermine everyone's intelligence in the audience. In other words, it has to treat everyone in the audience, especially the children, as if they're stupid. 

    This is not a movie. It is a rehashed template of a seemingly endless assembly line manufacturing products that do the same thing as their predecessors. The only notable difference is getting progressively worse. 

    The story (if we can call it that) follows a young woman named Kayla (Chloë Grace Moretz). She recently moved to where every one of these awful kid's movies takes place, New York City, in search of her calling. After getting fired from her job, she goes into the prestigious Royal Crown Hotel's lobby and successfully cons a woman out of her resume to pass as her own to land a job at the resort. This happened to be unusual timing, as a wealthy celebrity couple is preparing for an extravagant wedding at the hotel and must go off without a hitch. Made all the more challenging when Jerry the Mouse decides to move in and make the resort his new home. Prompting Kayla to hire Tom the Cat to hunt the mouse down. From there, the film devolves into a series of predictable hijinks, unfunny jokes, and zero signs of things like character growth or thematic elements that might have otherwise made this ninety-minute monstrosity resemble an actual movie. 

    I hated this film after just five seconds! The moment I saw the words "A Tim Story Film" on screen, I knew immediately that I was in for nothing but pain. 

    For those who don't know or need a quick refresher, Tim Story is a Hollywood director who should really be talked about more often in discussions of one-note, occasionally mean-spirited, hack directors on par with the likes of Michael Bay and J.J. Abrams. When directing the first official Fantastic 4 movie back in 2005, this is the same man who treated actress Jessica Alba like absolute garbage. When you openly insist that your leading lady never smiles during takes because you think it makes her look less hot and demand that the screenwriters contrive excuses to have her appear in her underwear as many times as possible, you wonder how and why this man keeps getting work as a director. Then you remember how apathetic Hollywood still is towards women, and you stop wondering. 

    Please allow me to get this out of my system: Tim Story is a talentless, sexist, and boring director with no sense of individual voice or artistic integrity. This new Tom and Jerry movie is proof that Tim Story has and likely never will evolve as an artist or person. There is not a single thing this movie does right or with any kind of care. To list everything this film does wrong or terribly would take all day. So, here is a shortlist of five things that actually happen in this movie for saving everyone some time. 

5: 

This film's world is populated by animated animals and food items similar to the classic Who Framed Roger Rabbit?. It is never utilized in a clever or narratively justified manner other than to provide a weak excuse to have Tom and Jerry appear in their famous cartoon-style appearance rather than create photorealistic versions of them. Which would still not have been preferable! 

4: 

Early in the film, a cartoon dog character is introduced by barking loudly at Jerry the Mouse, prompting his owner to tug on his leash and proclaim to another character, "I'm so sorry, he's just a little animated." I can't decide if that's clever or stupid! 

3: 

Every joke in this film, not about Tom and Jerry trying to hit each other with something, is a dull variation of what I like to call "Awkward Moment Humor." Characters constantly embarrass themselves by continuously talking awkwardly, only to not realize how much they're embarrassing themselves. This kind of humor has never been funny and has become increasingly dominant in modern comedy films. It needs to stop! 

2: 

Every other frame in this movie makes it abundantly clear that it was intended for a 3D presentation by constantly having characters and/or objects flying at the screen. This has been and always will be one of the most juvenile uses of 3D. A gimmick that has rarely enhanced the theatrical experience with no modern purpose other than to increase ticket sales in China. 

1: 

Kayla, the protagonist, lies and cheats her way into a job she is not qualified for and is never punished for her actions, nor does she ever learn a valuable lesson. This gives many toxic impressions to children and results in an unsympathetic protagonist. Thereby not providing the audience with a sufficient reason to care about anything happening on screen. Not to mention, the rest of the characters are complete idiots! 

    This movie is an abomination, a mockery, and one of the greatest insults to humanity I have ever forced myself to sit through. If you have an HBO Max subscription, avoid this movie at all costs. If, however, for some reason beyond your control, you are forced to sit through this travesty, a two-drink minimum is not only recommended; it is required! 

Ladies & gentlemen, I am TheNorm; thank you all for reading.