Recently, I discovered a strange and unexpected turn of events in the land of Hollywood. One of my all-time favorite video games is finally getting another chance at the big screen. However, upon further examining the situation, my hopes and excitement were immediately dashed, replaced with unsurprising revelations and a sense of expected disappointment. This is a shame because this particular video game series is loaded with many aspects and iterations that are just ripe for a fun and energetic movie. Sadly, most if not all of the parties involved do not fill me with any confidence. Surprisingly, it has little to do with Chris Pratt playing Mario, but we'll get to that soon enough.
For those who don't know, Mario is one of, if not the most iconic video game characters in the medium's history. Since the dawn of the original Nintendo Entertainment System or NES, Mario has served as the mascot of the biggest name in video games. He is the embodiment of fun, the ambassador of family entertainment, and often the first thing that comes to mind when discussing Italian stereotypes, even though he's from Brooklyn, according to some mythology.
What makes him and his games so engaging and addictive is a sense of elegant simplicity mixed with enjoyable silliness. Most of his games that aren't kart racers or construction simulators follow a simple formula: rescue the damsel in distress while avoiding obstacles and enemies. It has become the basis and inspiration for many other video games that came after, including a few indie games like Braid.
This upcoming movie is not the first time anyone attempted to adapt the little stumpy plumber to the silver screen. In 1993, directors Annabel Jankel and Rocky Morton (a husband & wife team) were handed the reins of a live-action adaptation of the video game franchise with the late Bob Hoskins as Mario and John Leguizamo as his partner Luigi. I recall seeing that movie in theaters, and while I do retain a nostalgic soft spot for it, I recognize that it's not a great film by any stretch of the imagination.
This is a case of a film trying too hard to hide how ashamed and embarrassed it is at being a video game movie. The production design is ripped straight from Blade Runner. It attempts to replace the more fantastical elements with pseudo-science. Worst of all, it ties (rather poorly) to tie the game's mythology with Dinosaurs, and they only give Yoshi, arguably the best supporting character of the entire franchise, a mere five-second cameo. At least, it feels like a mere five seconds.
All flaws aside for a moment, the one thing that can be said in this movie's favor is it retained the general plot of the original game pretty well, and they cast the right actor to play Mario. Although he would later describe working on the movie as a f**king nightmare, the late Bob Hoskins was the best actor to play Mario; in both the physical realm and the realm of talent.
Now, the new Mario Bros. film slated for release in December 2022 will be an animated movie. However, while making an animated film based on this property is in and of itself not a bad idea, the studio behind its production and their choice of actor to voice Mario is.
Chris Pratt, though a talented (albeit severely limited) actor with lovable charm and entertaining charisma, is, to put it plainly, not the right person to play Mario. Setting aside Mario's exaggerated Italian descent, one of the many elements that make Mario universally beloved as a character is his joyful personality. He's always ready to jump into action and seems to enjoy the thrill of adventure. All of these are qualities that Chris Pratt has yet to prove capable of conveying.
In nearly every movie Chris Pratt has performed in, including Guardians of the Galaxy, he always plays the same character, an awkward bumbling idiot who only manages to skate by with his bewildering good looks. If Chris Pratt is capable of playing anything beyond that, I have still yet to see it.
However, the miscasting of Chris Pratt should not be too surprising, considering the studio behind the upcoming Mario movie. Which is the real problem we should be more concerned about.
That's right! The studio behind those annoying, screaming, walking banana tic tacs, along with a filmography consisting of bland, less-than-mediocre films that only exist to babysit toddlers, is the studio in charge of the upcoming new Mario movie.
Illumination Entertainment is everything wrong with western animation! I have commented many times before on this blog that animation is not, I repeat, not an exclusive medium for children. Yet, Hollywood churns out piles and piles of animated movies every year following a distinct, repetitive, and toxic formula that overtly caters to young children. This might not be such a terrible thing if they didn't also operate under the equally toxic assumption that children are stupid, which they do! Illumination's movies do everything wrong with basic storytelling, character development, and audience investment, favoring crude humor and butt jokes over engaging narratives, genuinely witty humor, and three-dimensional characters.
Adding insult to injury, they allowed Mazda to use their characters to advertize a non-hybrid SUV. At least, I'm pretty sure it wasn't a hybrid.
Chris Pratt getting cast as the voice of Mario is not necessarily the problem (though it's still not a good idea). The studio behind this decision is only doing so because Chris Pratt tends to draw in box-office revenue and is a popular name to put on the posters. They don't care how little he fits the character or how well he can play the part, if at all; he's literally just there for maximum box-office returns. While there is nothing wrong with ensuring you make a decent profit from your work, it should not be the only thing concerning you when crafting said work.
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not!"
-Dr. Seuss
Ladies & gentlemen, I am TheNorm; thank you all for reading.
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