Shaving Cream Tells All

 

    In 1993, legendary filmmaker Steven Spielberg released one of his greatest blockbusters, Jurassic Park: the science fiction story penned by the late Michael Crichton about genetically recreated Dinosaurs living in modern times. It is one of the greatest movies ever made with ground-breaking special effects, memorable characters, and a relevant story about the dangers of mistaking the difference between enthusiasm and meddling with nature. 

    In the years since the first film, there have been five follow-up films, including a brand new one released earlier this month, which, as of this writing, I have not yet seen, nor do I have any desire to do so. 

    After sitting through every other attempt at recapturing the lightning in a bottle that was the first movie (from The Lost World to the dumbest and laziest toy commercial pretending to be a movie that was Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom), I have no reason whatsoever to even offer the latest outing the benefit of the doubt. 

    While I cannot pass any judgment on the movie itself, I do believe I can assess the likelihood of how terrible it is. While there is no shortage of other reviews for this movie, ranging from "okay" to "abysmal," there is one single aspect of the film that, in my opinion, ultimately confirms my suspicions as to how unbelievably stupid the movie must be, and best exemplifies the final death knell of the Hollywood system. 

    And it all comes down to a simple canister of shaving cream. Please, let me explain. This is not a review; merely an observation. 

    Spoilers from here on out! 

    In the first film, one of the plot points involved a rival business tycoon named Dodgson wanting to steal Dinosaur embryos to create his own Dino-themed attraction. The plan involves bribing one of the park's employees (a computer expert named Nedry) to hack into the security system, steal the embryos, and escape the Island. Nedry is given a fake canister of shaving cream for transporting the embryos, with just enough coolant to keep the embryos fresh for less than a day. 

    Some of you might be wondering why I am bringing this seemingly unimportant plot point to your attention. The answer is two-fold: 

    First, after filling the canister with the embryos and attempting to make his way to the docks to escape the Island, the would-be thief meets his untimely death at the teeth of a deadly Dino, and the canister containing the embryos winds up lost in the mud, buried and forgotten. 

    Second, according to at least two different reviews for the latest movie, Jurassic World: Dominion, not only does Dodgson, in addition to the original cast of protagonists, make a return in the film, but they also included, apparently, the very same can of shaving cream, which has apparently now been in Dodgson's possession for the past thirty years. 

There are no images of this to show you. 

I looked. 

    This may very well be not only the single stupidest aspect of the film in question, but it is also incredibly symptomatic of the biggest problem with the Hollywood system as a whole and showcases how stupid they seem to think we all are. 

    First, there is no logical or narrative justification for Dodgson to even have the canister of shaving cream in his possession. Assuming he traveled to the Island after the heroes had all been evacuated, by the time he found the thing, assuming he ever could have, the embryos inside would all likely have died. Let's not forget by this point in the story, everyone involved has decided not to go forward with opening the park, and the Island was likely isolated from the rest of the world. Not even a rival tech millionaire would have likely been able to sneak a team of searchers onto the Island less than a day after the initial disaster. 

    Second, even if Dodgson succeeded in finding the canister still containing unsalvagable Dino DNA, why would he have kept it all this time? If you're prepared to pay someone to commit what amounts to corporate espionage and sabotage, I seriously doubt you're the sentimental type. 

    Third, according to the other reviews of the film, Dodgson is now a Steve Jobs wannabe who has created genetically modified Locust to destroy all of the world's food crops except his own genetically modified ones to gain a monopoly on the worlds food supply. This is apparently the plot of the entire movie. Remember that this film takes place in a world where Dinosaurs are now co-existing with humans, which is infinitely more exciting and compelling for a narrative. What makes them think audiences would be more interested in yet another round of stupid mustache-twirling evildoers when there are Dinosaurs in the streets? 

    

    Again, I must stress that I have not seen the movie. Given how mentally draining and emotionally frustrating the last Jurassic World movie was, I could not even try with this latest trainwreck. So, while I have no doubt about the validity of the other reviews I have read and seen, I see no reason to add any more fire to the flame. 

    However, I feel that I can use this little piece of trivia to comment on what it represents as a whole, which is an even more significant issue than the apparent stupidity of the movie: 

    Hollywood has finally hit the peak of its addiction to nostalgia! 

    While it's no secret that nostalgia has become a hot commodity in cinema, it has become unbelievably overbearing in recent years, to the point where the corporate heads in Hollywood are grasping at straws. The only reason the latest Jurassic World movie has Dodgson (and the canister of shaving cream) is because they are recognizable elements from the first movie, and that is it! Despite there being no narratively sound or justifiable reason for either of them to be there, someone at Universal Studios demanded it purely out of desperation. The same goes for roping in the original cast from the first movie. 

    I cannot encourage nor discourage you, my beautiful readers, from seeing the movie because it is not fair for me to do so, having not seen it. Even so, I can't help but feel that this is likely one of the few times an exception can be made, at least to a degree. I cannot say anything of the film's quality, but I can say that, based on what everyone else has said so far, it does not sound like it would be worth anyone's time at all. Especially not my own. 

    Therefore, think of this blog entry not as a review of the movie but as the final declaration that Hollywood, as we once knew it, maybe forever lost to us. Perhaps it will learn the error of its ways and seek redemption in some way, but until then, as far as I'm concerned, the only things I will continue to look forward to the most from Hollywood are Marvel films and Mike Flannagan ghost stories. Maybe the occasional Tom Crusie movie. Hey, say what you will about him as a person (believe me, there's a lot to say), but at least the man knows how to make a fun and invigorating movie, especially with his Mission Impossible franchise!

Ladies and gentlemen, I am TheNorm; thank you all for reading.