Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker - Lazy Fan Fiction (SPOILERS)

I feel that it is absolutely important for me to acknowledge here and now that I cannot properly review this film without spoiling it. While I would normally avoid them for the sake of my wonderful readers so as to ensure the best movie-going experience possible, I cannot in good conscience write a detailed review of this movie without revealing the very reasons it is a horrendous waste of time. The Rise of Skywalker may very well be the worst Star Wars film since Attack of the Clones. Speaking as someone who loves the original trilogy, enjoyed The Force Awakens, appreciated Rogue One, absolutely adored The Last Jedi, and tolerated Solo: A Star Wars Story, The Rise of Skywalker has to be the most insulting, aggravating, and heartless feature film to ever bare the Star Wars name. The only real achievement this film makes is finally cementing co-writer & director J.J. Abrams as a cowardly one-note talent with no individual artistic voice to speak of. Disney should have known better.

For those who wish to avoid spoilers, you very likely guessed my feelings on this film and I do not recommend you waste your time, energy or money. However, if you are not sensitive about spoilers, or have already seen the film and don't care either way, by all means, please continue reading, as I have much to say about this trainwreck. Otherwise, I suggest you back out now, as there will be spoilers galore from here on out. This film is not worthy of my usual spoiler-free protection.

And with that, let's get into it.

Taking place sometime after the events of The Last Jedi, the story follows Rey (Daisy Ridley) training to become a stronger Jedi while helping the Rebellion fight back against the First Order. Meanwhile, Kylo Ren (Adam Driver), seeks out a mysterious figure claiming to be a Sith lord who will take over the Galaxy. Kylo Ren discovers that the mysterious figure is Emperor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) who somehow survived his encounter with Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi and has been plotting his revenge ever since. With his massive fleet of Star Destroyer ships, each one equipped with a Death Star weapon of its own, Palpatine will begin his reign of tyranny once again. That is unless the Rebellion can find and defeat him first. To do so, Rey and her friends must find a means of determining Palpatine's location, all the while evading Kylo Ren who has joined forces with the ancient Emperor. Further complicating things is he has discovered that Rey is...wait for it...Emperor Palpatine's granddaughter, and for mysterious reasons, wants her dead. Now, Rey must confront her heritage and find the strength to determine her destiny.

Yes, you read that correctly, the big twist of the film is that Rey is Emperor Palpatine's granddaughter. Now, setting aside for a moment that this is an incredibly stupid and incompetent twist, the real issue at play here is the fact that Emperor Palpatine is in this film in the first place. Bringing back the main antagonist of the original trilogy accomplishes nothing for the new characters and storyline that have been established in this new trilogy. As far as I can speculate, the only reason for his presence in this film is twofold: First, to appease the rabid and unreasonable fans who unjustifiably hated The Last Jedi, and to provide J.J. Abrams with yet another opportunity to spend an entire movie telling me how much he claims to love Star Wars as a whole without actually understanding what makes it so great.

That has always been the problem with J.J. Abrams as a filmmaker. He spends so much time geeking out over the things he really likes but never actually stops to think about why he likes them. If you carefully examine any film that J.J. Abrams has directed, you will find that they all follow the same pattern. Visually striking, highly energetic, lots of flair (both figuratively and literally) and very little substance when it comes to narrative. Even when he does put more focus on the story, it never feels like his own, but rather his direct replication of better stories as told by filmmakers more talented and skilled than himself. In short, he is the equivalent of a little kid retelling a joke he heard but without understanding what made it funny.

Another issue I have with this whole twist, as well as J.J. Abram's execution of the whole affair, is that it robs Rey's character of any individual growth. Rey was supposed to become the embodiment of the next chapter of the Star Wars Universe. The one who would bring the series out of the shadow of its own nostalgia and into a brand new era of its own. Instead, J.J. Abrams has effectively taken the whole series a huge step backward, prioritizing an unhealthy addiction to nostalgia and an unreasonable desire to appease an ugly fan base who, in all seriousness, should not be entitled to a say in how any given property must be handled. While I do agree that it is good to at least listen to what the fans of any given property have to say: unless they are directly involved in the creative process, it is not their place to dictate how or when a property as universal as Star Wars should or should not grow and change. By making Rey directly related to Palpatine, the movie has been reduced to nothing more than a fruitless exercise in unwarranted damage control.

When I say damage control, I mean exactly that. Despite how well made The Last Jedi was, many of the uber-fans disliked the film for unreasonable and invalid reasons. Even so, The Rise of Skywalker spends the vast majority of its time trying to win back these rabid fanatics. The most offensive of which is the lack of screentime given to Rose (Kelly Marie Tran) due to the fan's unjustifiable dislike of her character from the previous film. Basically, the film is trying to pretend that The Last Jedi never happened. Which is not only impossible, it's disrespectful to everything related to the Star Wars story.

Speaking of story, The Rise of Skywalker doesn't seem to actually have a real story of its own. The movie is in such a rush to get through all of its action, space battles, and weaponized nostalgia, that it completely forgets to add any real texture to any of it, thereby depriving the audience of the most essential element of any story: A reason to care. Plot points and new characters constantly jump in and out that are never developed properly or utilized in a meaningful way, the main characters are never given any breathing time to interact and bond like they should, and to top it all off, every single moment of the film is completely predictable. At no point did I ever feel concerned with the characters, not just because I wasn't given any compelling reason to sympathize with them, but nothing about the proceedings ever made me feel as if they were in any actual danger. This is a mortal sin for any kind of story, but it is especially egregious for a Star Wars story.

The Skywalker Saga, as it has been recently branded, is one of the best and most influential cinematic stories ever devised, and it seriously deserved a much better conclusion than this. The Rise of Skywalker does not elevate the Star Wars universe in any meaningful way. I am beyond disappointed in this film and unquestionably frustrated with J.J. Abrams. The only thing I can say in this movies favor is that I am glad it has finally been released because this now means that we can look forward to many more Star Wars content that will, undoubtedly, have more heart and courage to take on new challenges and find more compelling new stories to tell. That is, of course, provided that J.J. Abrams doesn't get his hands on anymore Star Wars content.

Mr. Abrams, despite what you may choose to believe, the force is not strong with you at all. Do us all a favor and stop making movies until you find your real voice, that is assuming you ever had one in the first place. Also, stay far away from Rian Johnson and his own Star Wars trilogy.

Is this movie worth seeing?
No.

Is it worth seeing in Theaters?
No.

Why?
It is a heartless, spineless, arrogant waste of time. An insult to everything great about Star Wars as a whole. Rather than seeing this film, take some time to write your own version of the story. I guarantee it will be a million times more creative than what J.J. Abrams has done here.

Ladies & gentlemen, I am TheNorm, thank you all for reading.

May the Force be with you, always.

Readers Request - Fist of the Vampire

Well, you asked for it, and here it is. The first Readers Request Review. Not sure if I should laugh or cry about this first entry. 

Honestly, I almost feel guilty about reviewing this one. It's clearly an indie movie with an incredibly limited budget that, I have you doubt, also had a lot of passion put into its creation. Even so, love does not make a good movie. It can play a significant role in the creative process, but it does not guarantee a good or even watchable film. Also, if you succeed in publishing your work in some capacity, be it a theatrical release or a limited run on Amazon or Netflix, you are opening yourself to criticism and constructive input. As such, I don't care what kind of a budget you had to work with, I only care about what you managed to do with it. In all honesty and sincerity, I am not convinced that the people behind this movie did a lot to hide their incompetence. This movie is, in every conceivable way, painful to watch. 

Released back in 2007, the story follows a deep undercover DEA agent infiltrating an underground gambling/fighting ring. Which happens to be managed and operated by a group of Vampires. That is, regrettably, pretty much all you need to know about the story. 

There are at least two positive things I have to say about this movie. A handful of the actors are fun and enjoyable to watch, and the script, despite being cliche and clunky as hell, is actually fairly decent. The general storyline and characterizations presented in the text are well developed enough that had it been polished by a more talented writer, could have a significantly more compelling narrative. Sadly, both of these positive aspects are aggressively bogged down by every other piece of incompetence and arrogance spread throughout the movie. 

This film was made by professional martial artists who, while clearly enthusiastic about making movies, clearly have no clue how to craft cinema. As a result, the movie suffers from any and all problems often associated with High School students trying to make an action movie on their phones. 

The acting, save for one or two of the cast, is horrendous. Half of the cast consists of young women who, while attractive, have no acting talent whatsoever. Most of the men do not fare any better, either. Most of the cast is wooden, continually struggling to remember their dialogue, and has no facial expressions other than "dull surprise." It's roughly the equivalent to watching middle school children give a lecture about the Spanish-American War while trying really hard to not look down at their note cards in an attempt to impress the audience when all their actually doing is showing off a skill and talent they do not possess. 

The special effects, of which there is an overabundance in this film, ranges from terrible to laughter-inducing. Most of the film takes place indoors (in locations that are clearly the homes of the cast & crew), and half the time, especially during action bits (more on those in a moment), the scene is sprinkled with shots where the talent is clearly sanding behind a green screen with the same room protected as background. The only justification I can think of for this practice is that since most of these scenes contained violence and blood, they could not afford to mess up the location. So rather than spend the extra time setting up scenes to accommodate the demands of the area, they did what no filmmaker should ever attempt. They tried to fix it in post-production. 

The action scenes, while decently choreographed, are so unconvincing, so under-rehearsed, so terribly photographed, and so incredibly lame, it felt less like watching a fight scene and more like watching high school kids attempting interprative dance. Made all the more inexcusable by the fact that, as mentioned before, this movie was made by professional martial artists. 

But all of these issues are tame when compared to the most egregious problem of all with this film, the cinematography. Most likely captured on a cheap camcorder or smartphone (IMDB does not list the exact camera), this must be the ugliest, laziest, most incompetent cinematography I have ever suffered through. There is no lighting technique of any kind, no sense of shot composition, every single shot is handheld (terribly), and it eventually becomes clear that whoever is operating the camera is relying too much on the automated features. Not to mention, every single scene, regardless of indoor or outdoor settings, constantly changes from daytime to night in-between shots. Plus, every single frame in this film is coated with some kind of ultra softening filter, which I suspect was an attempt to make the images look more "cinematic," but all it does is make each and every shot aggressively blurry and difficult to distinguish from one another. 

Indie cinema is capable of many things. Small budgets can go a long way if utilized right. Anyone with talent, skill, and wisdom can put together a compelling homemade feature-length film with gusto and heart. Sadly, the vast majority of the people behind this film lack everything I just listed. This isn't just a bad movie, it's insulting, offensive, and disgraceful in its incompetence and apathy. If you want to make a silly action movie about Kung-Fu Vampires, then fine, please do so. So long as you remember this simple truth: Just because you don't need to do a good job, that doesn't mean you shouldn't. 

Ladies & gentlemen, I am TheNorm, thank you all for reading. 

Quick Reviews

Hey everyone,

With the Holidays coming along, and my eagerness to get Reader Requests going for this month, I have seen a few recent movies that I don't really have time to write a full review for. So, in the interest of saving us all much valued time, here are a few quick rundowns on some films that came out in the past few weeks.

Relevant if repugnant. Similar to the critically acclaimed film Erin Brockovich, it's the story of how a major corporation is knowingly and apathetically poisoning all of its customers. In this case, the Du-Pont company murdering everyone with Teflon. While it may not be an easy film to sit through for various reasons, it is incredibly important and must be seen to be appreciated. Don't see this one for the entertainment value, but rather for how much it drives home how important it is for all of us to never back out of a fight for our lives. Recommended. 

Smart, creative, and funny. Writer-director Rian Johnson, who previously made Looper and Star Wars: The Last Jedi, delivers a fresh take on the classic Agatha Christy murder mystery scenario complete with elaborate mansion set, greedy relatives clawing at inheritance, and a super sleuth always one step ahead of the game. Some may criticize this film for not following traditional story structure, i.e., no character growth & change, but Johnson compensates for that with witty dialogue, gorgeous visuals by cinematographer Steve Yedlin,  and a fresh take on an overdone mystery sub-genre. Absolutely worth seeing. 

Agonizingly disappointing! A simple if cliche premise that should make for an incredibly exciting time at the movies considering the talent involved is instead a slow, redundant, and frankly stupid dud of a film. The action is repetitive and boring, none of the characters are engaging or relatable (save for Chadwick Bosman's role), the writing is lazy and lacks any kind of texture and the overall production just reaks of apathy and passionless contract obligation. Like everyone involved is only there because they're obligated to be and not because they actually want to. I should not want to fall asleep at a movie likes this, but I did indeed do so. Skip this one. 

Ladies & gentlemen, I am TheNorm, thank you all for reading.