Wonder Woman 1984 - What?

            

Stream it on HBO Max 

            Wonder Woman 1984 is like a bad cover of a great rock song: technically, all of the parts that make it good are there, but it’s overshadowed by a ton of unnecessary extra parts that drown out the spirit of the original song. It’s in the wrong key, the singer's vocal style does not match the song's intended mood, and all of the instruments are poorly chosen and incorrectly arranged. Resulting in a listening experience that should sound familiar but is aggressively mangled by too many external forces. In other words, it feels like Tekashi 69 trying to perform a song by Bryan Adams and failing miserably. 

 
            I watched Wonder Woman 1984 an hour ago as of this writing, and I am still utterly confused as to what I just saw. I was expecting a sequel to one of the best superhero movies made in recent memory, only to be assaulted by a myriad of baffling creative choices, nonsensical narrative directions, and tonal shifts, the likes of which not even God has seen. 
 
            Yes, I am so confused and annoyed at how baffling this movie is, I am reduced to making Dune references. This is what Wonder Woman 1984 has done to me!
 
            I can’t even present a general summary of the story. It is so overcrowded and nonsensical that it would require at least two paragraphs. I honestly don’t want to spend any more time than necessary discussing this technicolor fever dream falsely parading as a movie. 
 
            If I had to pick an aspect of this film that best summarizes my anguish towards this misfire of a movie, it would have to be Kristen Wiig’s character, Barbara/Cheetah. 
 
            First, she is presented as the most stereotypical socially awkward intelligent loner who becomes the villain after getting endowed with power, which we’ve seen in a thousand other superhero movies already. This over-the-top depiction of smart people with social issues (which I do acknowledge exist) has been done to death and needs to stop. There is nothing wrong with having a smart and socially strange character, but it does not have to be so overtly emphasized all the time. 
 
            Second, the story builds her up as Wonder Woman’s friend, whom she cares about deeply, but they literally just meet for the first time within the first twenty minutes of the movie. There’s no real or tangible connection between these two characters to believe that they are close enough friends to have a devastating falling out by the end of the story. Yet the film treats it like it’s the fall of Han Solo and Chewbacca. 
 
            Third, her transformation into Cheetah has no purpose or context in the story, other than to have an excuse for Wonder Woman to fight against an iconic villain from the comics, and because, I kid you not, she liked a pair of Cheetah style shoes she once saw Wonder Woman wearing.
 
            The worst part is that I feel horrible for saying these things about the movie because I genuinely love Wonder Woman as a character and as a franchise. I don’t want to see it fall from the high place it earned for itself with the first movie back in 2017, but it did. There is no denying that Gal Gadot is fantastic in the role, Patty Jenkins has genuine talent as a director, and many of the things they wanted to explore with this story are good and could make a cohesive narrative. Sadly, if I had seen this new movie before watching the first one, I would not have believed any of that. 
 
            Wonder Woman 1984 is an incredible disappointment and a devastating blow to the goodwill Warner Brothers and DC Comics worked so hard to build up. I genuinely hope that whatever comes after will be better than this because I don’t want to live in a world where there’s only one good Wonder Woman movie. All I have left to say now is that I’m glad I didn’t have to pay money to see this. My twelve-day free trial of HBO Max will come and go without renewal. 
 
            Ladies & gentlemen, I am TheNorm; thank you all for reading.